Penises, Supermodels, Tiny Hands, and Other Important Issues in the 2016 Presidential Election

As you probably know if you spend half as much time on social media as I do, yesterday two presidential candidates got into a Twitter fight over who has the prettier wife.

No, I’m not joking. For once I’m being serious. It all started when an anti-Trump SuperPAC ran an ad with a picture of Trump’s scantily-clad supermodel wife, apparently implying that her attractiveness somehow makes Trump a bad choice for president. Now, don’t get me wrong, I can give you a million reasons why the guy is a bad choice for president, but his wife isn’t one of them. I’m assuming the ad was aimed at women, because I’m guessing a lot of male republicans would probably think, “Hey, maybe if Trump is president, other men with repulsive personalities can get a date with a supermodel, too.”

Then Trump Tweeted he was going to “spill the beans” on Cruz’s wife, which he followed by a Tweeting a picture of Melania next to a picture of Heidi Cruz, because apparently voters need to be reassured that Trump’s wife would make the most attractive First Lady.

This seems like a high school debate gone wrong, but it’s not out of the ordinary for the 2016 election cycle. Just a few weeks ago, Trump and Rubio got into an argument about who had bigger hands, with Trump implying that Rubio implied Trump had a small penis by saying he had small hands. Trump then waved his hands around to show everybody how big they were, and assured the audience that, “There’s no problem down there.”

Wow, what a relief. I mean, as a voter, I know my first concern when deciding whether or not to vote for a candidate is, “Does this guy have a big enough penis to be president?”


Aside from this junior high-level squabbling ignoring all the real issues of the campaign, the focus on potential First Ladies’ looks just reinforces the sexist and old-fashioned idea that a woman’s role is to look pretty and prop up her husband.

Below is a list of things I do and don’t care about in a presidential election:



  1. What the candidates’ spouses look like
  2. What the candidates’ spouses wear
  3. Who claims to have bigger hands
  4. Who claims to have a big penis


  1. We’ve had eight years of a Democrat president, and eight years of a Republican president before that, and the economy is still in the fucking toilet. Anyone want to finally fix this shit? That’d be great.
  2. ISIS running around blowing shit up.
  3. Filthy-rich corporations getting tax break after tax break and holding their hands out for more.
  4. SuperPACs and other lobbyists basically buying Congresspeople, on both sides of the aisle.
  5. 62 million girls in the world can’t go to school.
  6. Millions of Millennials get in debt for a college degree, only to wind up being underemployed.

V. R. Craft is the author of Stupid Humans, a science fiction book series that asks the question, “What if all the intelligent humans abandoned Earth—and we’re what’s left? 


2 thoughts on “Penises, Supermodels, Tiny Hands, and Other Important Issues in the 2016 Presidential Election

  1. Very accurate take Viv! Scary thought – these are the best “leaders” our system creates. Our government was never designed to be controlled by two political parties…..most sane folks are put off by the repubs clown car full of candidates. Let’s hope the sane voters have their way and that maybe a couple of the nagging issues you mention can be at least be given some attention…..


  2. I’m relieved hear a female say that penis size isn’t important in a candidate. Although, I’m sure it’s important to a good many Republicans who would want our president to size up favorably when compared to Putin.

    With all these female Prime Ministers around the globe, we may have to institute a minimum breast size as well.


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