April 1, New York, New York—In a surprising move, Republican front-runner Donald Trump announced today that he is pulling out of the 2016 presidential race.
“I realized that President of the United States is just too limited a position for someone of my talent and expertise,” Trump said in a press conference Friday. “In order to make everything great again, I need to be president of the entire universe.”
When asked if he would welcome fellow presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Ted Cruz to compete against him for the “President of the Universe” title, Trump said he wouldn’t consider it.
“Let those three duke it out for that piddling little U.S. presidency,” he said. “None of them has what it takes to be President Universe. How the hell is Sanders going to give everyone in the universe a free college education, free healthcare, and a free puppy? Even Hillary Clinton can’t flip-flop on the issues fast enough to win the vote of everyone in the universe. And obviously my wife is the only candidate spouse attractive enough to be First Lady of the Universe, so Ted can just shut up about that.”
Trump went on to say that safety and security will not be a problem under his universal administration. “As president, I will keep the universe safe from intruders. Have you seen pictures of those little grey aliens? Do you see how small their hands are? You know what that means, right? I can assure you that my hands—and all my other appendages—are big enough for the job of President Universe.”