Tonight I had a funny conversation with my mom when I came home with a bunch of bags from Target.
Mom: Aren’t you going to boycott Target? Don’t you know about Target’s bathroom policy? They let men in the womens’ restrooms now.
Me: Hell no, I’m not boycotting Target. They have stuff there I can buy and resell at a profit. See all these bags? I’m going to make a couple hundred bucks off this shit.
Mom: But what if you have to use the bathroom?
Me: Then I’ll be glad I’m in a Target and not a Walmart, because Target has nice, clean restrooms. You know I was sourcing at Wallyworld one day and had to pee, so I went to the women’s restroom, and I walked into a stall and discovered someone had taken a shit on the floor. ON. THE. FLOOR. Because why shit IN the toilet when you can shit NEXT TO the toilet? Now there’s a horrifying thing to encounter in a public restroom.
Mom: But what if some pervert goes in the next stall and takes pictures of you?
Me: Well, since there are no armed guards at any bathroom I’ve ever been to, I’m pretty sure that was always a possibility. And if it does happen? That’ll be my lucky day! I hope they post that video on the internet and it goes viral, because the second that happens, I’ll be getting my lawsuit on. I’ll sue Target, I’ll sue the pervert, I’ll sure anyone who profited from distributing the video. It’ll be just the sort of big lawsuit I need to finally get back on track for meeting my financial goals of being a millionaire by the time I’m 30.
Mom: Well, if you’re going to Target, can you pick up some toilet paper when they have it on sale?
My mom, unfortunately, is one of many people who mistakenly think perverts spying on women in restrooms, or assaulting women or children in restrooms, is somehow a new problem that will be introduced by people using the restroom for the gender they identify with. But no one polices bathroom entrances. Anyway, if we insist people use the bathroom for the gender listed on their driver’s licenses, what’s to stop a guy from walking into the womens’ restroom and saying, “I don’t want to be here, but I was born female so I have to be.” Sure, you could demand to see an ID, but we all know those can be faked. Either way, if someone wants to enter a restroom to do something criminal, like video voyeurism or assault, they’re probably going to find a way to do it.
If you’re genuinely concerned about violence against women, you should stop calling Target, throwing a tantrum, and vowing to never shop there again (I know a few people who have done this), and start demanding your legislators make tougher laws regarding domestic violence and sexual assault. If you live in Arkansas, you might question why 11,809 registered sex offenders are likely living near you instead of in a jail cell. (Especially if you live in Pulaski county. I don’t know what the hell is going on over there, but there are 1,268 registered sex offenders in that county alone, more than double any other county.) If you’re concerned about child predators, you might also wonder why Justin Harris, a guy who “rehomed” his adopted daughters to a man who sexually abused them, is still serving in the Arkansas House of Representatives. If you live anywhere in this country, you should put some thought into why 97 out every 100 rapists receive no punishment and what we can do about that.
But if you still feel the need to boycott Target over their bathroom policy, go right ahead. More stuff for me. 🙂
W. T. Fallon is the author of Fail to the Chief, a political satire in which the presidential election is carried out via reality show, which is almost as bizarre and far-fetched as our current reality.