I just took part in what I believe to be the dumbest political argument in the history of the world.
I came home and, as usual, my dad was watching Fox News. He’s semi-retired now—he followed me into the internet reselling business, so sometimes he drives around and buys merchandise. But when he’s not doing that, he’s sitting in front of his 60-inch 4K Ultra Curved TV (which is an awesome TV, by the way, worthy of far better than Fox News). He watches two things: The Lifetime Channel, and Fox News. The first one, no clue. It bores the crap out of me. I don’t know what’s worse about Lifetime movies—the writing or the acting. They’re both abysmal.
Then there’s Fox News, which seems to be turning my dad into a zombie. First, he declared Donald Trump the savior of America, come to rescue us from communism and socialiasm and all those other scary isms he hears about on Faux News all the time. Then, he started referring to Trump by his first name, like they’re personal friends or something. “I hope Donald can straighten out this mess with China and get our jobs back. He’s sure going to try.”
So tonight I come home and he’s watching more nonsense from the RNC on Fox News. “I know you like Hillary, but it’s going to be a disaster if she gets elected,” he says to me.
“I don’t like her. I just don’t hate her as much as I hate Trump.”
“Well, you better vote for him, because if Hill-ry gets elected, she’s going to take away the internet. You know she wants to do that, right?”
“Um…what?” I’ve read all kinds of stuff bashing both candidates, some true, some not. That’s one I haven’t heard.
“Yeah, she doesn’t want us to have the internet,” he says. “She wants to take it away from us. Says it’s out of control and we need to shut it down.”
“Actually, I seem to recall Donald Trump saying he wanted to shut down the internet…not Clinton.”
“Ha! Propaganda! Trump never said that, it was Hillary.”
“Yeah…no.” I’d offer to track down an article quoting Trump on that, but he’d just call that propaganda and refuse to believe it too….
“I don’t want to live here if Hillary gets elected. If I could afford it, I’d move to Australia if she got elected.”
I can’t help but burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny? You don’t like Australia?”
“You want to move to Australia?”
“Yeah, if I could afford it, and Hillary got in, I sure would.”
“Um, dad…you know Australia is a socialist country, right? They have socialized medicine. That’s like Obamacare, only worse.” I say that because I know how much my dad HATES Obamacare.
“Yeah, but it’s not as bad as being communist. At least they still have free enterprise.”
“So do we…”
“Not when Hillary gets in! She’s a socialist, like all those democrats!”
I give up. How do you win an argument with someone who doesn’t logic?
W. T. Fallon is the author of Fail to the Chief, a political satire in which the presidential election is carried out via reality show, which is almost as bizarre and far-fetched as our current reality.