New York, August 27, 2016 – Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today that, if elected, he will overhaul the U. S. Treasury department, making it more like one of his casinos.
“Unlike the U.S. Treasury, my casinos never run out of money. Well, except when they go bankrupt, but the treasury doesn’t have to worry about that,” Trump said in a press conference. “We have the best investors ever—taxpayers. They have to keep investing in the treasury whether it’s a sound investment or not.”
Trump went on to explain how his overhaul would work. “The Treasury department will be just like a casino. All U.S. currency will be replaced with plastic casino chips and vouchers. All paper money will be replaced with vouchers for free meals or possibly a Wayne Newton concert at one of my hotels.”
When asked how the new chips could be cashed in, Trump had this to say. “Chips can be used to purchase all necessary essentials—champagne, caviar, hair transplants, and spray tans.”
The candidate believes his plan will reinvigorate the U.S. economy. “Originally I planned to fix the economy by printing more money, but replacing those boring old bills and coins with casino chips will be much better, because it also solves a foreign relations problem. You see, if we start producing tons of our own cheap plastic crap, China won’t be able to steal all our jobs anymore. That’ll save us a lot of money versus building a wall in the middle of the Pacific ocean.”
Note: I realize it’s increasingly hard to discern the difference these days, so I’m just going to tell you that the above is a piece of satire and not a real news article.