Things I’ve learned from watching the #TwilightZoneMarathon for three days:
1. Nuclear war is bad. You want to stay the hell away from that shit.
2. Never trust genies, ghosts, aliens, satan, or salespeople.
3. Or anyone else.
4. If everyone else in the world is dead and you finally have time to read, don’t drop your glasses. Better yet, find an optometrist’s shop and set up your library there. If you break your glasses, you’ve got hundreds of pairs to choose from.
5. If a seemingly friendly alien shows up and assures you his only goal in life is “to serve man,” ask what kind of wine he wants to serve with us, then run like hell.
6. Seriously, get your finger away from that big red button. You do not want to starting nuking shit. Nothing good EVER happens after a nuclear war.
7. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
8. Don’t be an asshole. Aliens don’t like assholes, and neither do other human beings.
9. If aliens show up, don’t trust them but don’t shoot first and ask questions later, either.
10. When riding on an airplane, if you look out the window and see Bigfoot clomping around on one of the wings, you should probably lay off the LSD.
W. T. Fallon is the author of Fail to the Chief, a political satire in which the presidential election is carried out via reality show, which is almost as bizarre and far-fetched as our current reality.