Exclusive: Donald Trump Jr. Does Not Know How to Sit

Years of Being Told to Stand Have Permanently Damaged Junior’s Ability to Sit Comfortably

Guest Post By Kennith Doglog of Such Politics

While often in the shadows, Donald Trump Jr. (Junior) perfectly exemplifies what happens when Donald Trump takes an interest in you the same way he has done with American politics. Unfortunately for the United States, Junior lacks the capability to operate as a normal human being, and struggles with even basic functions such as sitting down comfortably.

Donald Trump Junior 1

Throughout history, it is often a common theme to overlook the effects wealth and power have on the spawn of our nation’s leaders. At times their drive and ambition have rubbed off positively on their children, which can be seen in families such as the Kennedys and Clintons. However, sometimes their parent’s rigorous schedule and high stress positions strain the growth and development of our leaders’ kin.

Much like Patricia Nixon’s inability to blink with both eyes at the same time, Donald Trump Jr.’s frenzied childhood resulted in a lifelong shortcoming which still haunts him to this day. Growing up around the power hungry real estate tycoon, it was rare that Junior was allowed to sit. Trump demanded that whenever he was in his presence the small boy would stand like a military man, and salute him when he entered and left the room.

Since their house was filled with cameras that ran 24/7, Junior was constantly afraid that his father would be watching him and disapprove of him resting his legs. As a result, it was rare that the young millionaire ever sat down at home. Years of therapy have helped correct this issue in private, however he is still unable to sit down properly around his father, even when he is told to do so.

It’s something that has burdened me my entire life,” Junior said. “Every time I’m around him and try to sit, you know, like a real boy, something goes off in my head that tells me I’m being bad. Father taught me never to be bad, so I am often conflicted about sitting around him.”

To intimidate Junior into not sitting as a child, Trump would often threaten him with flying first class on a public airline rather than use their private jet for their monthly European vacations. If he ever entered a room and the boy was sitting, Trump was also known to make the boy sleep in his smaller room in the east wing of their home rather than his spacious west wing suite. There Junior would only have access to pay-per view television and room service until 10 pm, instead of the full-time room service and private movie theater accommodations he was accustomed to.

Since Trump has become president and the family is being scrutinized by the public eye, Junior has had multiple mental breakdowns with his inability to sit for pictures with his father. It is rare that you will see the two sitting next to each other, and Junior has nightmares about sitting down in the Oval Office. While Trump refuses to comment on any of these issues, it is clear that his intuition has failed him on more than one occasion.

Note: Unfortunately, these days it’s necessary to explain to people when you publish a piece of satire. This is a piece of satire, not real news, or fake news. A definition of satire can be found here.

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One thought on “Exclusive: Donald Trump Jr. Does Not Know How to Sit

  1. Almost makes you feel sorry for the guy. Almost.
    I think I am awkward (and think is a generous term). But I did not attend fancy deportment classes or have oodles to pay a photographer to capture me in “natural” poses.

    Liked by 1 person

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