Author’s note: Recently singer Kid Rock announced he was running for Congress, and actor/wrestler The Rock said he was going to run for president in 2020. With so many celebrities running for office, I started wondering what an all-celebrity, no-politician election cycle would look like in the not-so-distant future.
The Rock, Kid Rock, Chris Rock, and non-Rock Celebrities Run for Office, No Politicians In Sight
New York, February 20, 2018—Last night’s Oscars ceremony was once again a star-studded spectacle of political posturing and stump speeches, leaving some fans wondering when we can all get back to watching actors and musicians for entertainment.
Actor/wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson said he was excited to campaign at the event. “I’m here to grip and grin, pal, haven’t you heard? I’m running for prez in 2020.”
The Rock’s acceptance speech for “Best Transition From Actor to Presidential Candidate” was cut short by musician Kid Rock, who stormed on stage to interrupt. “Oh yeah? I’m going to let you finish your speech, but first I want to remind everyone I’m running for Congress. I think the people of my state really want an American Bad Ass in office, so I’ll be campaigning all summer long. I’m actually doing pretty well in the polls in Michigan, you know—”
At that point, his interruption was interrupted by comedian Chris Rock. “I’m going to let you finish interrupting his speech, but first I want to announce I’m also running for president in 2020,” he said to Kid Rock.
“Oh yeah, I guess you’re my competition then. What’s your platform?” The Rock asked.
The comedian explained his qualifications. “Well, I figure it would be a nice change for the country, having a president who can tell a joke instead of a president who is a joke. Besides, I’m not just an entertainer—I DO have experience being a Head of State.”
The Rock retorted with highlights from his own resume. “Well, I was in the World Wrestling Federation. Let me tell you something, if a reporter makes fun of me, I won’t have to beat him up in a photoshopped GIF.”
Chris Rock said he would focus on the important issues as president. “Forget about beating up reporters. When I’m president, I’m going to mend all those broken relationships with other countries. Kim-Jong will be laughing so hard, he’ll forget to test another nuke.”
At that point, the sound engineers for the awards show blared the “shut up” music so they could cut to a much-needed commercial break filled with ads for headache and heartburn relievers.
After the break, The Rock returned to present the award for “Most Moving Fake Tears in a Political Ad” to newcomer Charlie Sheen, who used his acceptance speech to talk about his own run for president.
“I’m here to run for president, because I’m all about WINNINNNNG!”
The Rock stepped in to advise him about this campaign promise. “Uh, I don’t know if voters are going to fall for that one again quite so soon, Charlie.”
Sheen moved on to his next promise. “I’m going to be a real hands-on president. No hiding out in the White House for me! I’m going to be standing by the Mexican border, ready to defend America by catching those falling bags of drugs! To protect my fellow Americans, of course.”
At that point, Kid Rock rushed on stage to volunteer to assist Sheen in his presidential mission at the border. “Way to take one for the team, man. You need help? I think Congress should get involved in this effort.”
But the biggest surprise of the night was when actress Betty White received the award for “Lifetime Achievement in Avoiding a Scandal.” White took the opportunity to announce her own run for president.
“I want the voters to know I’m very qualified. I’m known for Golden Girls, not golden showers, it’s time America had a female president, and at my age I’m not going to start deleting emails, because I don’t know how!”
White received a standing ovation for her speech.