How to File Your Taxes With Snark

How I File My Tax Return

So I’m trying to do my taxes, and TurboTax gives me this tax questionnaire. Among the list of tax questions 2017, here are some of the interesting ones…and my snarky answers that I can’t give the IRS because there’s no place on the fucking form to insert sarcasm. (But WHY NOT?)

Tax Questions 2017

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How to File Your Taxes with Snark

Did you die before filing this tax return?

No, I am not filing as a ghost. But I bet Edward Cullen and the rest of the post-life community appreciate this option.

Do you have children or financially support another person? If you’re not sure, select yes and we’ll help you figure it out.

Are there people who aren’t sure if they have children, or is that just for people who aren’t sure if letting their adult child who has two college degrees and three jobs and still can’t afford to rent an apartment in the current shitconomy live with them counts as financially supporting her? (No, it doesn’t, according to the IRS. Believe me, my parents were bummed. They haven’t been able to claim me as a dependent since the first time I graduated college.)

I’m just picturing some guy sitting in front of his computer, scratching his head and thinking, “Well, I had a lot of fun in college, and I think I used a love glove MOST of the time, so probably I don’t have any kids, but, um…I’m not sure? Maybe I should add one just in case?”

Check all that apply:

I did not actively participate in the operation of this business.

I WISH. I work for myself. I can’t afford employees. I do fucking EVERYTHING.

This business is located in a Qualified Disaster Area.

I work at home. Does my room count? I can provide pictures of what it looks like.

How I File My Taxes
My Home Office, Where I Do My Taxes

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Did you own or control a foreign bank account, trust, or financial asset in 2017?

I SO FUCKING WISH.

Did you make any donations to charity in 2017?

Does my own bank account count, because it’s in really sorry shape?

How Do You File Taxes When Your Parents Aren’t Country Club Members?

After completing a preliminary list of questions, I realized I had either added something wrong, or forgotten to subtract some expenses for one of my businesses (online reselling, freelance work online), because apparently I owed $3,000 in taxes. Still trying to figure out how that happened when I only made about $17,000. I mean, I KNOW I’m not rich enough for a billionaire, country-club-friend-of-the-president tax cut, but jeez, I shouldn’t owe that much on that little income. Of course, if I was a billionaire, I would probably owe nothing because saving me money would be a national priority.

I went back and added all the money I wasted on health insurance I never use, plus dental insurance, and even that didn’t reduce my tax bill any. I also deducted car mileage, gas, maintaining a business address at a mailboxes type store so customers I sell stuff to can’t show up and stalk me if they happen to be psychopaths, and every other expense I could think of. Still stuck at three grand.

So I will go back and look at my taxes again and try to figure out where I went wrong (other than being born to people who weren’t part of the 1%). I hate doing my taxes.

Anyway, that’s how I file my taxes…sarcastically. In between screaming profanities at my computer screen. How do you file taxes?

V. R. Craft is the author of Stupid Humans, a science fiction book series that asks the question, “What if all the intelligent humans abandoned Earth—and we’re what’s left? 

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