Why You Should Just Listen to Your Freelancer When They Give You Advice

So Thursday the widget guy wanted me to write an article about a movie, which his SEO stats say a lot of people search for. Target market for the movie probably can’t afford the pricey, high-end widgets the client’s company sells. But the movie’s title contains the name of the widgets they sell. I ask him if he thinks people searching that movie want to buy the movie or a widget. He says the movie but if we could just get them to the site, that’s what he wants. Okie dokey. He pays by the hour.

20 Things I Already Know About You When You Say,
20 Things I Already Know About You When You Say, “I Don’t Care About Money”

So I go read about the movie. Plot: Basically kid has a widget for a heart, there are rules, one of them is don’t fall in love, he falls in love, terrible things happen, he dies at the end.

Yeah, that puts people in the mood to buy a widget, right? Most depressing fucking story ever.

I shamelessly explain that our widgets are not as fragile as this kid’s heart-widget, and if you take care of them well they should last for years.

So then I go to write about other widget related movies. Maybe I can find something a little happier? Something where people could get excited about buying something distantly related?

The Widget, 1950. Plot: Cat hates widget. Cat tries to blow up widget. Cat succeeds in blowing up self. Cat dies.

I shamelessly consider following this description with a line like, “Check out our explosively great deals on WIDGETS!” I refrain.

The Two Widgets of Hell, 2011: Dystopian story where most of humanity has succumbed to a non-specified plague (HURRAY!). A few thousand people are left. Two decide the best use of their time is to fight each other to the death. Okay, looking around me at the current state of humanity, I do totally buy that happening. “Widgets” appear to be metaphorical.

I seriously considered following this section with the line, “Don’t worry, our widgets are nothing like hell!”

Moral of the story: Buy a widget and die!

Second moral of the story: Listen to your marketing consultant.

V. R. Craft is the author of Stupid Humans, a thought-provoking science fiction book series that asks the question, “What if all the intelligent humans abandoned Earth—and we’re what’s left?” 


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